Department of Speculation Releases New Autism Theory
At a Cabinet meeting earlier this week, President Donald Trump repeated a now familiar warning: Pregnant women should avoid Tylenol and refrain from giving it to infants. But it was Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s response that ignited a wave of speculation online.
“There’s two studies that show children who are circumcised early have double the rate of autism. And it’s highly likely because they’re given Tylenol,” Kennedy said.
RFK Jr. linked circumcision and Tylenol to autism. Here’s what scientists say.
The Washington Post October 10, 2025
In response to Secretary Kennedy’s recent claim that circumcision and Tylenol may be linked to autism, the The Union of Mohalim Europe (UME) issued a statement with the precision of a Talmudic footnote and the rhythm of a well-rehearsed Havdalah chant. “We do not accept responsibility for the cognitive architecture of the American electorate,” the statement reads, “nor for the side effects of presidential pseudoscience.” The Moyles, long accustomed to navigating ritual, were quick to clarify the pharmacological facts.
“Tylenol?” scoffed Reb Shloyme, a senior Moyle from Flatbush. “Vos redstu? Der kleyner krigt nor a bissel Manischewitz, azoy vi mayn zeyde hot geton—tzu shtiln dem shrek un tzu makhn a l’chaim.”*
“Di Goyim veysn gornisht,” added Reb Moishe, shaking his head. “Zey meynen az autism kumt fun a drop vayn oder a shtik tradition. Narishkayt!”**
The Union’s response was not limited to correcting Kennedy’s pharmacology. They invited him to a symposium on statistical circumlocution, where he might present his theories alongside the Flat Earth Society, the Anti-Tooth Fairy League, and the Coalition for Mercury-Based Enlightenment. “Our traditions are ancient. Our wine is sweet. Our logic is older than your epidemiology,” they added, before demanding a retraction, a ritual apology, and a donation to the National Council of Pediatric Logic.
Sources confirm that no randomized controlled trial has ever tested the neurological impact of sweet kosher wine administered via pinky dab. But the Moyles remain firm: their methods are timeless, their wine is room temperature, and their skepticism is generational.
As Reb Shloyme concluded, “Efsher morgen zey’ll zogn az matzah makht migraines un gefilte fish iz a neurotoxin. Nu, zol zayn mit mazl.”***
Footnotes:
*“What are you talking about? The little one gets just a bit of Manischewitz, just like my grandfather did—to calm the fright and to make a toast.”
**“The non-Jews know nothing. They think autism comes from a drop of wine or a piece of tradition. Foolishness!”
***“Maybe tomorrow they’ll say matzah causes migraines and gefilte fish is a neurotoxin. Well then, good luck to them.”
FTS
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