Pentagon Quietly Asks If Anyone Knows A Guy With A Big Boat
Trump’s talk of sending a hospital ship to Greenland puzzles leaders
Greenland doesn’t want the help, and the U.S. doesn’t appear to have any hospital ships available to send.
Washington Post February 22, 2026
THE RUTABAGA America’s Finest News Source (Regional Edition)
Word count: approximately 390 words Reading time: about 1 minute 30 seconds
PENTAGON SCRAMBLES TO LOCATE VESSEL THAT IS, TECHNICALLY, A SHIP AND HAS, AT MINIMUM, A FIRST AID KIT
Memo confirms ‘hospital-adjacent’ criteria under active review
WASHINGTON — In response to President Trump’s announcement that the United States would be sending a hospital ship to Greenland, the Department of Defense has convened an emergency working group tasked with identifying any watercraft currently in U.S. proximity that could, under a sufficiently broad reading of the word “hospital,” qualify for immediate deployment, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“We are fully committed to fulfilling the President’s vision of maritime medical diplomacy,” read an internal memo obtained by The Rutabaga. “To that end, the working group has been asked to define ‘hospital ship’ in a manner that is, quote, ‘flexible, visionary, and ideally already floating.’”
The memo, addressed to the Joint Chiefs and cc’d to someone named Gary in Logistics, outlined a tiered framework for vessel eligibility:
TIER ONE: Actual hospital ship. Status: Unavailable. Both currently occupied. Do not mention this publicly.
TIER TWO: Princess Cruises vessel. Has a medical center on Deck 7. Staffed by one registered nurse and a man named Phil who “did a lot of first aid in the nineties.” Availability pending negotiation with Princess corporate. Note: Ship is currently doing a Mediterranean thing.
TIER THREE: Any large ferry with an AED mounted to the wall and a posted evacuation route. Working group notes that evacuation routes demonstrate “familiarity with crisis response.”
TIER FOUR: The Carnival Sunshine. Rejected on grounds that it smells like that and Greenland would know.
TIER FIVE: A very large tugboat. Has a bathroom. Working group notes bathroom “could be construed as a treatment room in low-light conditions.” When reached for comment, Capt. Dennis Pruitt of the tugboat Perseverance said he was “absolutely not hauling my ass to Greenland to give some guy a checkup” and that his vessel contains, to his knowledge, “one bottle of Advil, maybe, if Randy didn’t take it.” Capt. Pruitt then asked that his number be removed from the government’s list. He had a little more comment. It was not printable.
The memo concluded by requesting that all options be “rebranded appropriately” before any public announcement, and suggested that the words UNITED STATES HOSPITAL VESSEL be printed “in the largest font that fits” on whatever is ultimately selected, “ideally before the press pool gets a close look.”
As of press time, the working group had reconvened to discuss whether a barge with a defibrillator and a motivational poster about hand-washing could be described as a “floating wellness center” and whether that was, legally, close enough.
Greenland did not respond to requests for comment, as it does not have a healthcare crisis.
The Rutabaga is a satirical publication. Any resemblance to actual Pentagon memos is, we regret to say, increasingly plausible.
FTS
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