The Parable of the Flexing Prophet
In the twilight of empire, when wars were outsourced and nuance was banned, a man named Hegseth emerged from the land of cable scrolls and tactical hair gel. He carried no credentials, but wielded a razor, a selfie stick, and a copy of Push-Ups for Patriots. His hair, lacquered to a high-gloss sheen, reflected the fluorescent lights like a warning beacon for incoming nonsense.
He summoned the nation’s generals and admirals—stoic titans of strategy and restraint—to a mandatory masculinity revival beneath the Pentagon’s mirrored dome. They arrived in full dress, medals gleaming, expressions carved from granite, having survived wars, coups, and budget hearings.
Hegseth ascended a podium shaped like a protein shaker, flanked by kettlebells and a cardboard cutout of Teddy Roosevelt.
“Gentlemen,” he bellowed, “we are losing the war on manhood! Our enemies grow bold while our jawlines grow soft!”
He performed 37 push-ups (with questionable form), quoted Sun Tzu via Joe Rogan, and unveiled a tactical grooming kit called Freedom’s Edge, which included military issue straight razors, eyebrow scissors, and a pocket Constitution with all the amendments he didn’t like removed.
The generals did not flinch.
Then came the decrees:
All personnel, regardless of gender, must meet the maximum male standard for physical fitness. Women must exceed it, preferably while smiling.
Facial hair was banned unless it could be weaponized.
Emotional intelligence was reclassified as a foreign threat.
And as for those who identified as gay or trans? “There is no room,” Hegseth declared, “for pronouns in a foxhole.”
He passed out pamphlets titled Beard: The Enemy Within, demanded each man recite the Oath of Masculine Renewal, and proposed a new branch of service: the Department of Tactical Masculinity, headquartered in a Gold’s Gym.
The generals stood, offered a single finger salute, and left.
Hegseth remained, flexing alone in the mirror, whispering, “They’ll thank me when the razors run red.”
Pete Hegseth, the man not the satire, is not just unqualified to be Secretary of Defense—he is a walking contradiction in a fitted suit. His obsession with optics over strategy, exclusion over inclusion, and grooming over governance compromises the safety and security of this country.
The military deserves leadership rooted in competence, not cosplay. His hair may gleam, but his judgment does not.
FTS
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