Trump Wins Nobel Prize in Physic*
A Clio-worthy breakthrough in bowel-branding and civic constipation
So when news broke that Donald Trump had won the Nobel Prize in Physic, confusion reigned. Was it for his gravitational pull on cable news? His quantum tunneling through indictments? Or perhaps his uncanny ability to convert civic gridlock into personal branding opportunities?
Turns out, it was none of the above.
The award was bestowed for his latest product: Trump’s MAGA-Mucil™, a proprietary blend of patriotism, psyllium husk, and gold leaf flakes—“for the gut of a winner.” Marketed as “the only laxative endorsed by three former campaign managers and one indicted CFO,” MAGA-Mucil™ promises to “drain the swamp, starting with your colon.”
The Nobel committee, citing “a paradigm-shifting contribution to the global movement of matter,” praised Trump’s ability to “turn obstruction into production.” One member of the Nobel committee reportedly said, “We were constipated with doubt, but his branding moved us.”
Not to be outdone, the Clio Awards—traditionally reserved for excellence in advertising—gave Trump a Lifetime Achievement nod for his “unrelenting commitment to selling America back to itself, one branded bowel movement at a time.” The winning campaign featured a CGI eagle perched on a golden toilet, whispering “Let freedom ring... and flush.”
Other finalists included:
Ivanka’s Liberty Lax™: A gentle, family-friendly alternative with packaging inspired by the Statue of Liberty’s torch.
Don Jr.’s Patriot Purge™: Marketed as “the cleanse that fights woke toxins.”
Eric’s Enema of the State™: A limited-edition collector’s kit, banned in five countries.
The ad copy for MAGA-Mucil™ reads like a constitutional amendment rewritten by a carnival barker:
“When your gut is blocked, your freedoms are mocked. Unclog the Constitution with MAGA-Mucil™—the only physic strong enough to restore the Republic.”
Critics argue that the product is metaphorically accurate but medically inadvisable. One gastroenterologist noted, “It’s less a laxative and more a branding suppository.”
Still, sales are booming. The product is available exclusively at Trump-branded resorts, select gun shows, and the gift shop of the Supreme Court (pending ethics review).
In a final twist, Trump announced a new podcast titled “The Movement Movement”, where guests discuss bowel health, branding, and the future of American exceptionalism—while seated on gold-plated bidets.
* For younger viewers: before “Physics” became synonymous with quantum entanglement and particle accelerators, the word “physic” referred to something far more... elemental. In older generations, a “physic” was a laxative—a substance designed to relieve internal blockage and restore flow. Think of it as the original infrastructure bill for your intestines.
FTS
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