Jan. 20, 2026

Trump's Baby-Making Plans Aren't Going Exactly As Expected

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The Quest to ‘Make America Fertile Again’ Stalls Under Trump

Some Republicans in Congress and leading conservative policy groups have pushed unsuccessfully to significantly expand tax credits for families or introduce a “baby bonus” for all new moms, proposals that Mr. Trump and Mr. Vance had championed in the past. Mr. Trump’s plans for combating infertility have also largely stalled out, after the administration announced a new policy on in vitro fertilization in October that fell far short of Mr. Trump’s campaign promise to make the procedure free.

New York Times January 13, 2026

WARNING: If you are easily offended, please skip this post. This piece contains mature themes and frank discussion of reproductive politics that some readers will find uncomfortable. Language is definitely adult no matter how many asterisks I use.

There are moments when journalism hands satirists a gift so perfectly wrapped, so exquisitely ribboned, that you almost feel guilty for what you’re about to do with it. Almost.

The New York Times blessed us today with “The Quest to ‘Make America Fertile Again’ Stalls Under Trump,” and I need you to understand something: we are living in a Cervantes novel written by someone who’s deeply, uncomfortably horny for demographic data. Donald Trump has mounted his horse, JD Vance has reluctantly climbed onto his donkey, and together they’re charging at the windmill of America’s declining birth rate with their lances pointed directly at your genitals.

Don Quixote thought windmills were giants.

Trump thinks your reproductive organs are a policy problem. Your fertility is federal business.

Both men are equally delusional, but at least Quixote kept his delusions out of your bedroom.

So here’s what our modern-day knight-errants promised during their quest: Republicans in Congress and conservative policy groups have been pushing—unsuccessfully, gloriously unsuccessfully—to expand tax credits for families or introduce a “baby bonus.” Trump himself promised to make IVF free. FREE IVF.

Let’s pause on IVF for a moment, because the underlying assumption here is exquisitely invasive: The government is now deeply invested in whether or not sperm successfully penetrates an egg. They want to subsidize the moment of conception. They want to be in the room—metaphorically, and given enough time, probably literally—when it happens.

Then October came. The administration announced their “new policy” on IVF.

It was not free.

It was not even free-adjacent.

It “fell far short” of the promise, which is diplomatic language for “we lied to you about caring whether your reproductive system works.”

The proposals have “largely stalled out,” which in political speak means they’re as limp as the enthusiasm of people who’ve just been told the government is taking an active interest in their sexual performance.

The Uncomfortable Truth: This Is About Monitoring Sex

Here’s what “Make America Fertile Again” actually means when you strip away the policy-speak and get down to the slippery, uncomfortable truth:

The government wants more Americans f*king. Specifically, f*king productively. More specifically, f*king in ways that result in live births. Even more specifically, f*king while married, straight, and preferably white, though they won’t say that last part out loud anymore.

This isn’t about tax policy. This is about the federal government deciding that your sex life—how often you have it, with whom, using what protection, and with what result—is a matter of national security.

They want you breeding. They want you unprotected. They want you fertile. And they want you to know they’re watching the numbers, tracking the trends, and finding you wanting.

Since charging at this particular windmill has gone so splendidly, here are some additional crusades the administration should embark upon in their noble quest to get Americans engaged in patriotic reproduction:

The Strategic Coercion Reserve - Just kidding! Unless... ? No, seriously, that’s the exact energy we’re dealing with here. The government trying to manipulate your reproductive choices has the same vibes as someone who won’t take no for an answer. It’s coercive. It’s creepy. It’s got “just the tip” energy but for your entire reproductive future.
Mandatory Cervical Inspections at the DMV - Getting your license renewed? Better be trying! Not pregnant? That’s a six-month extension denial. Spread your legs for America, citizen. We need to verify you’re doing your part.
The “Procreation Police” Task Force - Did you finish inside? The government would like documentation. Timestamps, positions, duration, fertility window calculations. Your Ring doorbell camera now comes with a mandatory bedroom extension.
Government-Mandated Ovulation Apps - Forget privacy. The state now tracks your cycle and sends your partner “helpful reminders”: “Your wife is ovulating. You have a patriotic duty to perform tonight. Failure to engage in unprotected intercourse will be noted in your permanent record.”
The “No Pull-Out Method” Tax Bracket - Finishing inside gets you a lower rate. Pulling out? That’s basically tax fraud. The IRS wants to know: did you deposit your seed in the approved location? Show your work.
Federal Funding for Aphrodisiacs in the Water Supply - Fluoride is out, horny goat weed is in. Don’t ask questions, just drink up and get that weird tingly feeling that means you’re ready to serve your country with your body.
Abolishing Twin Beds Nationwide - Executive order: All beds must accommodate “patriotic penetration.” Lucy and Ricky Ricardo’s separate beds are now considered anti-American propaganda. You will spoon. You will grind. You will contribute.
The “Fertile Myrtle” Medal of Honor - Awarded to women who’ve squeezed out 4+ children. You get a flag, a photo op with the Vice President looking at you like breeding stock, and the underlying message that your value as a human being is directly tied to how many times you’ve let a man finish inside you productively.
Criminally Charging Condoms as “Conspiracy to Prevent American Citizens” - Each wrapper is evidence of your intention to deny America a future taxpayer. That’s not personal choice, that’s treason wrapped in latex.
The “Sanctity of Unprotected Relations” Bill - Protection is for cowards and socialists. Real Americans take risks with their reproductive futures. Pregnancy roulette isn’t gambling, it’s patriotism. The house always wins, and the house wants babies.
Replacing Sex-Ed with Breeding Propaganda - Out: “Here’s how reproduction works and how to prevent it.” In: “Here’s your duty to the fatherland, and here’s why your body belongs to the state’s demographic goals.” They show the birthing video but skip the part about consent.
Government-Issued Viagra on Demand - But only if you’re married to a woman of childbearing age. And only if she’s currently ovulating. The pharmacist checks both before dispensing. Performance problems are a national security issue. Get hard for America.
The “Handmaid’s Tale But We’re Pretending It’s Not That” Program - Red baseball caps instead of red cloaks. See? Totally different. Stop being hysterical. You’re not being forced to breed, you’re being incentivized. Completely different. Now spread your legs and think of the GDP.
“Fertility Courts” Where Childless Couples Explain Themselves - Standing before a panel of judges: “You’ve been married three years. Why no children? Is someone’s equipment not working? Have you tried the missionary position? Are you finishing inside? We need details. Diagrams. Demonstrations if necessary.”
Banning the Phrase “I’m Not Ready” - This is now considered anti-American sentiment. The correct response is “I live to serve the demographic goals of the Republican Party with my uterus/testicles.” Your readiness is irrelevant. Your fertility window is closing. The state is concerned.
Making All Romantic Comedies End with Visible Conception - We need to normalize completion as the natural, patriotic conclusion to courtship. Netflix has already agreed. The climax of the film is now literal. He finishes inside her. Fade to positive pregnancy test. Roll credits over baby shower footage.
The “Oops Accountability Act” - Failed contraception? The government wants to know about it. In detail. With diagrams. How did the condom break? When did you realize? Did you consider Plan B? Why didn’t you take it? These are matters of national importance. Your “accident” is our data point.
Replacing “The Star-Spangled Banner” with Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” - Hand over your heart, sing about sexual intimacy, and mean it, citizen. Make eye contact with your spouse. The government is watching. They need to know you’re serious about this.
Government Cheese, But It’s Labeled “Fertility Rations” - The surplus commodity program reimagined as your patriotic duty to get aroused for America. This cheese increases sperm motility. This cheese regulates ovulation. Eat up. F*ck hard. Make babies.
The “Procreation Passport” - Want to travel internationally? Better prove you’re trying domestically first. Show us your basal body temperature charts. Show us your sperm count results. Childless at 30? You’re not leaving the country until you’ve at least made an effort. Enjoy Tulsa.
Mandatory Attendance at “Conception Rallies” - Like Trump’s campaign rallies, but with more uncomfortable emphasis on what happens after you get home. Trump delivers rambling speeches about the beauty of unprotected sex, the tragedy of contraception, and how real Americans engage without barriers. JD Vance nods uncomfortably in the background, trying not to think about his own sex life becoming policy.
The “Breeding Buddy” System - Can’t conceive? The state will assign you a fertility coach who calls weekly to ask: “Did you have sex this week? How many times? What positions? Were you tracking ovulation? Why not?” It’s like AA but for people who aren’t breeding fast enough.
Tax Audits That Include Sexual History - Line 47: Number of times you had unprotected intercourse this year. Line 48: Number resulting in pregnancy. If Line 48 is zero, explain why in 500 words or less. Attach supporting documentation from your gynecologist/urologist.

Here’s the thing about Don Quixote: he was insane, but his insanity didn’t involve him demanding to know the intimate details of peasants’ sex lives. He fought imaginary giants, not real people’s bodily autonomy.

Trump and Vance are tilting at windmills too, but their version involves the federal government taking an uncomfortably close, almost pornographic interest in what’s happening in your bedroom, your body, your reproductive timeline, and specifically, where the semen ends up.

Think about that. Really sit with it.

The government wants to know if you finished inside.

They want to incentivize ejaculation in specific locations.

They want to track ovulation.

They want to discourage barriers between penis and vagina.

They want to monitor pregnancy outcomes.

They want to punish prevention.

They want to reward insemination.

This is the political platform. This is what “Make America Fertile Again” means when you strip away the euphemisms: The state has decided your orgasms are their business.

The Sexual Surveillance State

We’ve somehow arrived at a moment where one of America’s major political parties has decided that the solution to complex economic and social problems is to get really, really, uncomfortably invested in whether Americans are f*cking enough, f*cking right, and f*cking productively.

F*cking for procreation. F*cking for the state. F*cking because the GDP demands it.

The proposals stalled because—and I cannot emphasize this enough—Americans aren’t thrilled about the government treating their genitals like strategic natural resources that need to be strip-mined for future taxpayers.

We’ve got a President who promised to make fertility treatment free (narrator: he didn’t), a Vice President who thinks childless people shouldn’t have as much political power, and an entire conservative policy apparatus that has decided the most pressing issue facing America is that not enough people are engaging in unprotected completion for the flag.

It’s perverse. It’s invasive. It’s the kind of thing that makes you shower after reading about it.

Trump’s quest to make America fertile again is stalling for the same reason Don Quixote couldn’t actually defeat windmills: because he’s fighting reality with delusion, trying to solve complex systemic problems with the political equivalent of screaming “just f*ck more!”

Americans aren’t having fewer babies because they forgot how sex works.

They’re having fewer babies because:

Housing is unaffordable
Healthcare is unaffordable
Childcare is unaffordable
Student debt is crushing
Climate anxiety is real
Economic stability is a joke
And they can see that the same people demanding they breed are the same people who won’t fund schools, won’t provide healthcare, won’t raise wages, and won’t do a damn thing to make raising children anything other than a financial suicide mission.

But sure, let’s call it MAFA—Make America Fertile Again—and pretend that a tax credit and some creepy government interest in your sex life will make people forget that they can’t afford rent, let alone diapers.

At least when Quixote lost his mind, he had the decency to keep his delusions about his own adventures. He didn’t demand that the peasants prove they were f*cking enough for Spain’s demographic future.

Trump’s windmill is your uterus. His lance is policy. And he’s charging forward with the confidence of a man who’s never once considered that maybe, just maybe, people don’t want the government all up in their reproductive business like a bad one-night stand who won’t take a hint.

Subscribe for more observations on how the government has decided your sex life is their business, your orgasms are a policy priority, and how we’ve somehow made the most intimate human act into a f*cking congressional debate.

FTS