Trump’s Enemies List
In a stunning act of bureaucratic whimsy, the following memo was recently leaked from the Office of the President. It appears to be addressed to Pam Bondi, Special Advisor for Imaginary Threats, and outlines a list of fictional characters that President Trump has allegedly considered indicting—not officially, of course, just “pre-indictment surveillance.”
The document begins with a denial, escalates into paranoia, and ends with an executive order that contradicts everything just said. It is, in short, a masterclass in grievance governance and narcissistic logic.
Below is the memo in full, preserved for civic satire and future poetic remix.
Official White House Memo
THE WHITE HOUSE Office of the President September 26, 2025
To: Pam Bondi, Esq. Special Advisor for Imaginary Threats Re: Enemies List (Fictional Division)
Dear Pam,
As you know, I’ve always been very strong—very strong—on law and order. And lately, I’ve been thinking (very deeply, very smartly) about the growing threat posed by certain fictional individuals. These are not just characters. These are enemies. Enemies of ME. Enemies of America. Enemies of ratings.
Below is a preliminary list of suspects. I am NOT saying we should indict them. I am simply saying they should be monitored, investigated, and possibly indicted later if they continue being so fictional and so disrespectful.
My Fictional Enemies List (Preliminary, Subject to Expansion)
Big Bird – Tall, yellow, and suspiciously literate. May be running a puppet cartel.
Dumbledore – Wears robes, runs a school, refuses to endorse Trump University.
Yoda – Talks backwards. Socialist syntax.
Captain Planet – Green. Environmental extremist. Suspected of colluding with wind turbines.
The Lorax – Speaks for trees. Trees don’t vote.
Frankenstein’s Monster – Built by science. Possibly Fauci.
Gollum – Obsessed with “the precious.” Refuses to admit it’s a Trump NFT.
Pennywise – Competes for crowd size. Uses balloons to distract from my rallies.
The Terminator – Austrian accent. Time-traveling liberal.
Dracula – Pale. Foreign. No tax returns.
The Borg – Collective thinking. No individuality. Suspected of being CNN viewers.
Freddy Krueger – Invades dreams. Wears stripes. Possibly Deep State.
The Sorting Hat – Refused to sort me into Slytherin. Called me “too obvious.”
The Balrog – Big, fiery, underground. Never donated.
Kermit the Frog – Green. Woke. Banned me from the Muppet Show.
Now Pam, I want to be very clear: I am NOT asking you to indict these individuals. That would be ridiculous. They are fictional. I know that. I’m very smart. I read books. I even wrote one. But just because they’re fictional doesn’t mean they’re not dangerous. Fictional people have done terrible things. Look at Harry Potter—total disaster. Gandalf? Weak wizard. The Tooth Fairy? Never paid taxes.
So again, I am NOT asking for indictments. I am simply asking for pre-indictment surveillance, loyalty tests, and possibly a few subpoenas written in invisible ink.
EXECUTIVE ORDER #9999-F
“On the Monitoring and Management of Fictional Threats”
Effective immediately, all fictional characters deemed hostile to the President shall be subject to the following:
Mandatory loyalty pledges (signed in glitter or blood).
Suspension of magical powers until further notice.
Prohibition from entering dreams, forests, or PBS programming.
Replacement by Trump-approved characters (e.g., Trumpasaurus, Patriot Pigeon, Captain Profit).
This order shall remain in effect until all fictional enemies are rebranded, indicted, or turned into NFTs.
God bless America. God bless ME. And God help Big Bird.
Sincerely, Donald J. Trump President of the United States Commander-in-Chief of the Imaginary Forces
Your Turn: Nominate a Fictional Enemy
Readers, the list is far from complete. Who else might Trump perceive as a threat to his legacy, his ratings, or his fictional dominion? Submit your nominations—be they cartoon, horror, fantasy, sci-fi, or literary—and I’ll feature the best ones in a future post, complete with satirical dossiers and executive orders.
Let’s build the most absurd enemies list in presidential history. One fictional traitor at a time.
FTS
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