Jan. 15, 2026

We Need Mort Sahl Now More Than Ever

Mort Sahl walks on stage—cardigan sweater, rolled-up newspaper under his arm, that sardonic half-smile. He’s 98 years old* and still sharper than everyone in Washington combined. This is the guy who walked out with a newspaper in 1960 and told jokes that got Kennedy elected, then turned around and skewered Kennedy for the Bay of Pigs. No loyalty except to the truth, no sacred cows, just facts and a withering stare.

He starts before the applause even ends.

“So I’m reading the New York Times this morning—January 7th, fresh off the presses—and there’s this fascinating story about Minnesota officials trying to investigate a fatal ICE shooting. Trying being the operative word. Because ICE shot a woman, and now they won’t let anyone investigate.

Let me say that again: Federal agents shot someone, and they’ve blocked the state from investigating. ‘Nothing to see here, move along.’ Literally. The woman’s name was Renee Nicole Macklin Good, she was driving her car—you know, that criminal activity called ‘driving’—and now she’s dead, and Minnesota officials are being told, ‘Sorry, this is federal. We’ll investigate ourselves.’

Oh good. They’ll investigate themselves. That always works out great. ‘Did you do anything wrong?’ ‘No.’ ‘Case closed. Great work, team.’

flips open the paper

The official line is this was ‘necessary enforcement action.’ Necessary. She was apparently trying to turn around. What was she going to do, run over the border? She was in Minnesota. That’s not even close to the border unless Canada’s the problem now—which, apparently it is, because we’re calling them the 51st state. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So we’ve turned immigration enforcement into a shoot-first-ask-questions-never operation, and when anyone tries to ask questions or object, we block them. That’s not law enforcement. That’s a cover-up with a badge. But don’t worry—they had quotas to meet. Performance metrics. ‘How many did you get?’ ‘Well, we got our numbers, but there was one fatality—’ ‘Fatality? You mean success story. Did you file the paperwork?’

flips newspaper page

But don’t worry about domestic policy, because we’re very busy on the international stage. And by ‘busy’ I mean we’re leaving. Sixty-six international organizations. Gone. The UN Framework Convention on Climate Change—out. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change—out. Basically, if it has the word ‘international’ or ‘cooperation’ in the title, we’re not interested. It’s like we’re playing bingo, except the prize is complete isolation.

We’re speedrunning the collapse of the post-World War II order that kept us safe for 80 years, and I gotta say, we’re winning. We’re withdrawing from the World Health Organization during a time when, you know, global health might be relevant. But why would we want to cooperate on pandemics? Next one might be different. This one was a practice round.

looks up from paper

But we’re not just withdrawing. Oh no. We’re also expanding. We want Greenland. Greenland! We looked at our current territory and thought, ‘You know what America needs? More tundra. More ice. Fewer people.’ Denmark says it’s not for sale, and we’re like, ‘We weren’t really asking.’

Then there’s Canada. We’re calling it ‘the 51st state’ now. Just announcing it. Like it’s already decided. I’m sure the Canadians appreciate that. Nothing says ‘good neighbor’ like showing up at their house and saying, ‘Nice place. It’s mine now.’ They’ve been polite to us for 250 years, and this is how we repay them? By trying to annex them? They gave us hockey and maple syrup, and we’re giving them... what, Florida?

And Panama. We want the Panama Canal back. Because nothing says ‘forward-thinking foreign policy’ like relitigating Jimmy Carter’s greatest hits. What’s next? We’re going to ask for a refund on the Louisiana Purchase? ‘Excuse me, France? We’d like to return this. Store credit would be fine.’

turns page

Oh, and Venezuela. We sent troops to Venezuela. Not to the UN—we left the UN. But Venezuela? That we can commit to. We can’t commit to climate agreements or human rights councils, but regime change in South America? That’s doable. That’s in the budget. Because apparently, military intervention is cheaper than international conferences. Who knew?

So let me get this straight: we’re leaving every organization that requires diplomacy while simultaneously trying to acquire territory from countries that didn’t realize they were for sale. It’s not foreign policy. It’s a real estate grab with an army attached.

And we’re doing this while telling our allies—remember allies? Countries that used to like us?—we’re telling them they owe us more money for their defense. ‘We’re leaving all these organizations, we might take your land, but also your NATO bill is due.’ That’s not an alliance. That’s a protection racket. The Sopranos had better PR.

closes newspaper, holds it up

So here’s where we are: We’re shooting women in cars for immigration enforcement violations while withdrawing from human rights councils that might object to shooting women in cars. We’re leaving climate organizations while the planet is literally on fire. We’re demanding other countries pay us while we’re taking their territory. We’re firing everyone who knows how government works and replacing them with people whose main qualification is that they don’t ask questions.

And they’re calling this ‘America First.’ First to leave. First to shoot. First to ask questions never. First to turn foreign policy into a shopping spree with military backing.

tucks newspaper back under arm

But hey, at least he’s keeping his promises, right? Yeah. So did Captain Ahab. The whale still won.

walks off as lights fade

Mort Sahl actually died on October 26, 2021, at the age of 94.

FTS